When you change your consciousness, you change your life.
I chased my tail for years, trying to be who I thought I should be––someone special. Sure, I developed some skills and accomplished some things, pursuing a career as a composer. But it all came at a steep price. I was often miserable––anxious, fearful, resentful, self-obsessed. I was happy when I accomplished something amazing, but the rest of the time, I judged myself for not measuring up. I judged others, too. There was plenty of good stuff in my life, but I often couldn’t see it. I lived in my mind––a labyrinth of reactions to people, things, and its own thoughts. I did not trust life. I did not even trust myself.
When I was 26, my younger sister died, launching me onto a path of spiritual discovery. I visited mediums, hoping to connect with Olivia. I discovered astrology. I learned shamanic journeying, receiving my first deep initiation into another state of consciousness and my first glimpse of another reality. A series of powerful drum journeys opened the floodgates in my psyche, and my world became more magical and mystical, full of synchronicity. I started down roads that would lead me very far from where I’d begun. At that stage, however, I still approached spirituality as a way to fix my problems and get more of what I wanted. I had no idea what was in store.
Right on cue, I met my first mentor, astrologer and mythologist Richard Stromer. With Richard, I learned to see the stories I was unconsciously living and gradually discovered the deeper story that wanted to emerge. I came to appreciate the power of the unconscious, the shadow, and the value of getting to know the different inner characters that ran my life. While working with Richard, I began to study astrology. It was amazing to discover this cosmic language, which linked my consciousness to that of the whole Universe and could provide an endless source of insight into the inner dimensions of things.
About a year into my work with Richard and two years into my shamanic studies, I tried LSD for the first time.. I had been scared of psychedelics since I had a bad mushroom trip in college. But this experience felt like coming home. I felt at one with everything. I understood things with so much more clarity. I saw through myself and all my neuroses as never before––and I was amused! No judgment. For the next few weeks, I kissed the ground every morning. From then on, it became my mission to find a way to integrate this consciousness into my everyday life. I decided to meditate daily––something which I had struggled with, on and off, for years. I also abruptly decided to put music aside and pursue a career as an astrologer. That raised quite a few eyebrows! But sometimes awakening requires drastic measures. You are forced to quit taking instructions from the ego as you surrender to your Higher Self. Sometimes, that means doing things others might consider stupid or crazy.
It was not long before my life, as I knew it, fell apart. Not only did I change careers, but my marriage ended, and with it, many friendships. From where I am now, I do not regret it. But it was painful for me, my ex-wife, and everybody involved. Amid the chaos, I met my partner Hilary, who has been a massive catalyst for my awakening and a life partner in more ways than I could have imagined.
Almost at the same time, I found my next mentor, Raja Choudhury. With Raja, I learned practices for awakening Kundalini and cultivating the deep meditative state called Turiya––the state of pure awareness beyond waking, dreaming, and deep sleep. Raja also gave me the gift of seeing who I am and can be and holding me constantly to that standard. He introduced me to the Divine Mother. In the Indian tantric tradition, She is known as Shakti—the energy of the Universe in action. When Shakti appeared, She took over my life. She comes in various ways: as power, overcoming all obstacles, as magic, as grace, and as inexplicable beauty. Since I met Her, things have never been the same.
Where I used to feel dissatisfied with life, always craving something more, always clinging tightly to an agenda, I now live more freely––more open to what life has to offer, and what it asks of me.
When I look back, I am amazed to see how everything fits––how every moment expresses life’s perfection. This includes the lows as well as the highs––even my dead end career in music. This is why I call my work 21st Century Alchemy. Alchemy, the art of transmuting lead into gold, is really about discovering the perfection that already is. It is about learning to hear the music of life. And not just to hear it, but to be the instrument, the composer, the player, and the music itself.
I am currently pursuing a PhD in East-West Psychology at the California Institute of Integral Studies, where my research brings ancient wisdom and modern ideas into dialogue around the big question of our time: Where do we go from here?